Winter Woes

Ever felt like your taking the saying “stuck between a rock and a hard place” to a whole other level? Not a girl not yet a woman? (Love you Britney). You know those type of moods where you kinda want to work out, kinda want to get a garlic cheese chip, kinda want to take a 3 day nap? Is this adulting? I have no idea. Its like trying to navigate yourself through some sort of lost labyrinthian limbo. Its winter but its still not Christmas so my over indulgence in chocolate yule logs and Tunnocks tea cakes is completely premature but, what else is there? Long gone are the days sweating it out in the gym preparing for that epic holiday to the sun, now the only exercise I get is running up the stairs to get money out of my purse for the chinese delivery. And then theres the thirst you get on a Saturday night, and you know you shouldn’t be drinking because Christmas is coming and your liver isn’t going to be too pleased but then you remember that the working week is basically impossible to endure without a few therapeutic tipples.

Getting dressed is a mammoth expedition and not just because its teeth chatteringly freezing but also because your wardrobe is an absolute mess and consists of questionable crop tops, straw hats and booty shorts with cosy jumpers, fluffy socks and woolly scarves thrown on top. Whats a girl to do? Its too early to go Christmas shopping but too late to have this few items of clothing appropriate for winter. Its also the time of year where the weather loves to wreak havoc on your internet connection which absolutely ruins your plans of ordering another chinese and sneaking away from your family to eat it in your room while you watch a whole season of Power. Although positive polly would probably pipe up now and say at least it doesn’t make your procrastination any worse when your attempting to study but then again theres always those random games you’ve downloaded on your phone and never get the chance to play, right?

Summer seems like a distant magical illusion in my mind, was I even on holidays a mere three months ago? On a beach, in a bikini you say? I wouldn’t even dare attempt to walk around the house without my dressing gown on right now for fear of getting frostbite. And thank god for that because then no one notices how many selection boxes I’ve actually eaten. I don’t care if they’re “for the kids” they’re tasty. Then Facebook decides to add

insult to injury reminding you that “one year ago today” you graduated college, reminding you of all those carefree, vodka fuelled nights you spent in good clubs with good friends when the closest thing you’ve been to “carefree” lately has been deciding you will book a morning off work to go get your car nct’d. Is this adulting? Cause if it is is, thanks for the opportunity, but no thanks.

And isn’t winter such a “couples” month? Yeah in the summer being single is great craic and you can do what you want when you want while all your attached friends look on in envy but now its you who’s jealous looking at all their cosy cuddled up snaps in front of the fire drinking hot chocolates and watching old movies. You wouldn’t normally think twice about that guy who plays for the local football team and singlehandedly slept with every woman/girl/sheep in the village but damnit! Your sick of the couple goals hashtags and the Netflix but no chill marathons. Why should we have to suffer because we say no to every guy unless he ticks each of the 26 boxes on our list?

On that note, should I block out this rank reality by blasting out a Girls Aloud playlist or would Green Day do a better job? I could always make a salad to bring to work for lunch tomorrow, or will I just use one of the Burger King vouchers in my bag and get two chicken royales for the price of one? Will I actually get up when my alarm goes off so I can have a proper breakfast before college or will I just lie in bed staring aimlessly at my phone for another 10 minutes? Will I text him back despite his dangerously low maturity levels or will I just block him and be done with it? Night in with your cats catching up on Catfish or night out with your friends catching your crush kissing your nemesis?

Too many decisions, too much confusion. See you closer to Christmas guys, I’m going into hibernation.

– AMK

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You know what really Grinds my Gears?

30 things all girls will relate to:

  1. When your waiting at the bar for a drink, you finally get to the front and you rest your arm on the counter, money in hand to show your ready and the whole thing is covered in a disgusting, sticky, unidentified liquid. Gross
  2. When its Saturday night and your watching the X Factor (obvs) and Louis Walsh says for the thirteenth time “your a ready made pop star”
  3. When your on a diet and you go to your granny’s and she refuse to let you leave until you eat 4 sandwiches, 2 trays of chocolates, a scone and a chocolate digestive with tea
  4. When your heading on a night out with the girls and you know its inevitable that your going to see someone that you shifted/slept with and wonder what life would be like if you didn’t live in a place where everyone knows someone that knows someone
  5. When you try to be healthy by bringing a banana to work for lunch but by the time you take it out to eat it its all black and mushy from being bashed around in your handbag
  6. When your lying on the couch nursing a hangover, slowly falling into an alcohol soaked sleep and your pet jumps on you knocking the wind out of you and making you seriously consider becoming a pioneer
  7. When your Mam goes down to the takeaway to get you a spice bag and then calls five minutes later; “They said they’ve never heard of a rice bag Aoife, what do you want instead?”
  8. When your texting a new lad and you know the mandatory “send us a pic” text is coming but they just go all in and send an unwarranted dick pic
  9. When your iPhone charger mysteriously decides to stop working, your not at home, your battery is dying, your going to be left abandoned, stranded, then it all goes black
  10. When you think you’ve met a nice fella on a night out but it turns out that his best friends cousin dumped your sisters friend by text so he is obviously a no go
  11. When your trying to peacefully indulge in your guilty pleasure of watching Ex on the Beach and your Mam comes in while Gaz is riding someone shouting; “they’re like bloody animals those people!”
  12. When your mate tries to quit the cause saying they’re really tired before a big night out that you NEED to go on to get you through the week
  13. When your getting a chicken fillet roll and you want a bit of lettuce and loads of cheese and they do the exact opposite, WHY
  14. When heels are life but they HURT LIKE HELL
  15. When your brother is playing with your phone then next thing you start getting a load of messages on tinder and you realise he’s matched you with EVERYONE – even that lad in your class that used to pick his nose and eat it
  16. When you have an important event so you leave it till the last minute to get organised and order a dress online and it doesn’t arrive in time. Life = over
  17. When your texting someone and they have the audacity to call you? Ew I don’t want phone speak
  18. When you graduate from college and it feels like someone has given you a new game to play but theres no tutorial except its your life and your just flailing around with no notion of whats going on
  19. When you go on holiday and try to ignore the fact that you are naturally the colour of a milkbar so avoid putting on suncream and end up resembling a beetroot
  20. When old people say “did you buy those jeans with the holes in them” yes Sharon pipe down
  21. When you get absolutely lamped on a night out and wake up to a barrage of texts from people saying “what” – never a good thing
  22. When you meet your prince charming and tell him to go fuck himself and he actually does
  23. When you muster up the motivation to go to the gym and do a fitness class and the instructor is someone you shifted on a night out. So much awkward eye contact
  24. When people wear hair extensions and you can clearly see where their real hair ends at the back
  25. When you come home from a night out and your family asks “so did you meet anyone nice?” NOPE
  26. When your getting on well with a new lad and they start acting up out of nowhere, cold shoulder for you then mate
  27. When your just out of the shower and your phone pings with a new WhatsApp message so you scramble to unlock it but it wont recognise your thumb print because theres moisturiser on it
  28. When your casually minding your own business at work and your manager asks you to do something, could you not
  29. When your listening to These Hoes Aint Loyal in the car and your Dad asks why Chris Brown is using that language
  30. When you go clothes shopping during your time of the month and feel like a baby walrus in everything you try on