Winter Woes

Ever felt like your taking the saying “stuck between a rock and a hard place” to a whole other level? Not a girl not yet a woman? (Love you Britney). You know those type of moods where you kinda want to work out, kinda want to get a garlic cheese chip, kinda want to take a 3 day nap? Is this adulting? I have no idea. Its like trying to navigate yourself through some sort of lost labyrinthian limbo. Its winter but its still not Christmas so my over indulgence in chocolate yule logs and Tunnocks tea cakes is completely premature but, what else is there? Long gone are the days sweating it out in the gym preparing for that epic holiday to the sun, now the only exercise I get is running up the stairs to get money out of my purse for the chinese delivery. And then theres the thirst you get on a Saturday night, and you know you shouldn’t be drinking because Christmas is coming and your liver isn’t going to be too pleased but then you remember that the working week is basically impossible to endure without a few therapeutic tipples.

Getting dressed is a mammoth expedition and not just because its teeth chatteringly freezing but also because your wardrobe is an absolute mess and consists of questionable crop tops, straw hats and booty shorts with cosy jumpers, fluffy socks and woolly scarves thrown on top. Whats a girl to do? Its too early to go Christmas shopping but too late to have this few items of clothing appropriate for winter. Its also the time of year where the weather loves to wreak havoc on your internet connection which absolutely ruins your plans of ordering another chinese and sneaking away from your family to eat it in your room while you watch a whole season of Power. Although positive polly would probably pipe up now and say at least it doesn’t make your procrastination any worse when your attempting to study but then again theres always those random games you’ve downloaded on your phone and never get the chance to play, right?

Summer seems like a distant magical illusion in my mind, was I even on holidays a mere three months ago? On a beach, in a bikini you say? I wouldn’t even dare attempt to walk around the house without my dressing gown on right now for fear of getting frostbite. And thank god for that because then no one notices how many selection boxes I’ve actually eaten. I don’t care if they’re “for the kids” they’re tasty. Then Facebook decides to add

insult to injury reminding you that “one year ago today” you graduated college, reminding you of all those carefree, vodka fuelled nights you spent in good clubs with good friends when the closest thing you’ve been to “carefree” lately has been deciding you will book a morning off work to go get your car nct’d. Is this adulting? Cause if it is is, thanks for the opportunity, but no thanks.

And isn’t winter such a “couples” month? Yeah in the summer being single is great craic and you can do what you want when you want while all your attached friends look on in envy but now its you who’s jealous looking at all their cosy cuddled up snaps in front of the fire drinking hot chocolates and watching old movies. You wouldn’t normally think twice about that guy who plays for the local football team and singlehandedly slept with every woman/girl/sheep in the village but damnit! Your sick of the couple goals hashtags and the Netflix but no chill marathons. Why should we have to suffer because we say no to every guy unless he ticks each of the 26 boxes on our list?

On that note, should I block out this rank reality by blasting out a Girls Aloud playlist or would Green Day do a better job? I could always make a salad to bring to work for lunch tomorrow, or will I just use one of the Burger King vouchers in my bag and get two chicken royales for the price of one? Will I actually get up when my alarm goes off so I can have a proper breakfast before college or will I just lie in bed staring aimlessly at my phone for another 10 minutes? Will I text him back despite his dangerously low maturity levels or will I just block him and be done with it? Night in with your cats catching up on Catfish or night out with your friends catching your crush kissing your nemesis?

Too many decisions, too much confusion. See you closer to Christmas guys, I’m going into hibernation.

– AMK

You know what really Grinds my Gears?

30 things all girls will relate to:

  1. When your waiting at the bar for a drink, you finally get to the front and you rest your arm on the counter, money in hand to show your ready and the whole thing is covered in a disgusting, sticky, unidentified liquid. Gross
  2. When its Saturday night and your watching the X Factor (obvs) and Louis Walsh says for the thirteenth time “your a ready made pop star”
  3. When your on a diet and you go to your granny’s and she refuse to let you leave until you eat 4 sandwiches, 2 trays of chocolates, a scone and a chocolate digestive with tea
  4. When your heading on a night out with the girls and you know its inevitable that your going to see someone that you shifted/slept with and wonder what life would be like if you didn’t live in a place where everyone knows someone that knows someone
  5. When you try to be healthy by bringing a banana to work for lunch but by the time you take it out to eat it its all black and mushy from being bashed around in your handbag
  6. When your lying on the couch nursing a hangover, slowly falling into an alcohol soaked sleep and your pet jumps on you knocking the wind out of you and making you seriously consider becoming a pioneer
  7. When your Mam goes down to the takeaway to get you a spice bag and then calls five minutes later; “They said they’ve never heard of a rice bag Aoife, what do you want instead?”
  8. When your texting a new lad and you know the mandatory “send us a pic” text is coming but they just go all in and send an unwarranted dick pic
  9. When your iPhone charger mysteriously decides to stop working, your not at home, your battery is dying, your going to be left abandoned, stranded, then it all goes black
  10. When you think you’ve met a nice fella on a night out but it turns out that his best friends cousin dumped your sisters friend by text so he is obviously a no go
  11. When your trying to peacefully indulge in your guilty pleasure of watching Ex on the Beach and your Mam comes in while Gaz is riding someone shouting; “they’re like bloody animals those people!”
  12. When your mate tries to quit the cause saying they’re really tired before a big night out that you NEED to go on to get you through the week
  13. When your getting a chicken fillet roll and you want a bit of lettuce and loads of cheese and they do the exact opposite, WHY
  14. When heels are life but they HURT LIKE HELL
  15. When your brother is playing with your phone then next thing you start getting a load of messages on tinder and you realise he’s matched you with EVERYONE – even that lad in your class that used to pick his nose and eat it
  16. When you have an important event so you leave it till the last minute to get organised and order a dress online and it doesn’t arrive in time. Life = over
  17. When your texting someone and they have the audacity to call you? Ew I don’t want phone speak
  18. When you graduate from college and it feels like someone has given you a new game to play but theres no tutorial except its your life and your just flailing around with no notion of whats going on
  19. When you go on holiday and try to ignore the fact that you are naturally the colour of a milkbar so avoid putting on suncream and end up resembling a beetroot
  20. When old people say “did you buy those jeans with the holes in them” yes Sharon pipe down
  21. When you get absolutely lamped on a night out and wake up to a barrage of texts from people saying “what” – never a good thing
  22. When you meet your prince charming and tell him to go fuck himself and he actually does
  23. When you muster up the motivation to go to the gym and do a fitness class and the instructor is someone you shifted on a night out. So much awkward eye contact
  24. When people wear hair extensions and you can clearly see where their real hair ends at the back
  25. When you come home from a night out and your family asks “so did you meet anyone nice?” NOPE
  26. When your getting on well with a new lad and they start acting up out of nowhere, cold shoulder for you then mate
  27. When your just out of the shower and your phone pings with a new WhatsApp message so you scramble to unlock it but it wont recognise your thumb print because theres moisturiser on it
  28. When your casually minding your own business at work and your manager asks you to do something, could you not
  29. When your listening to These Hoes Aint Loyal in the car and your Dad asks why Chris Brown is using that language
  30. When you go clothes shopping during your time of the month and feel like a baby walrus in everything you try on

My Relationship with Alcohol

I am more than partial to a few scoops. And everyone I’m friends with wouldn’t say no to a couple of ice old pints either. There’s nothing like enjoying a Kopparberg in the beer garden after work, downing a few shots to drown your sorrows or sipping on gin and juice to celebrate something special. I like how it can instantly take the awkwardness out of a situation. The Dutch courage it gives me, allowing me to dance and chat to people like I never would if I were sober. Its like a push up bra for your personality. There is also such a social aspect to drinking, if your arranging to meet up with friends/family/a date you usually do so over a few bevys. But lately I’ve started to take notice of all the negatives, which I usually discreetly sweep under the rug preferably while enjoying a glass of Prosecco.

This past weekend proved to be the turning point. As per usual me and the girls decided to go out for the bank holiday, pre drinks at home then out to the club as you do. Only this time I woke up Sunday morning iphone-less. My eyes stung from the harsh light streaming in my bedroom window and as my head started to pound I stretched out my hand to make the familiar swoop under my pillow for my phone. It wasn’t there. Starting to panic now, I check my handbag. Not there. Then I realise I wasn’t even supposed to stay at home last night.. All my stuff including my car is at my friends house. What happened? WHERE IS MY PHONE? After running around the house in last nights clothes wailing and asking myself why I’m such an idiot, it struck me for the first time ever that nothing else only alcohol was the reason for this. If I hadn’t been drinking then I wouldn’t have memory loss consistent with being knocked unconscious. I wouldn’t be minus my phone, which feels like one of my limbs has been severed off. I keep thinking “oh I’ll show one of my friends this funny video” or “that was definitely my phone vibrating” to reach down into the void that is my empty handbag and not be able to feel that familiar rectangle in my grasp. Eating is boring. Lunch at work is painstakingly meme free. And trips to the bathroom have me resorting to reading the labels on soap bottles. The last straw was when I realised I had no way of setting an alarm for the next morning, so I bit the bullet and bought a new iPhone.

It physically pained me having to dip into my savings to replace it and it got me thinking about all of the money I have wasted over the years on drinks I cant remember surrounded by people I wish I could forget. Splashing the cash around my tiny boring village when I could be saving it up to go somewhere new, bigger, better. All the drunken slurs you cant take back, because words can never be unsaid. And those awkward times you’ve woken up in someone else’s bed. Petty fights you’re not quite sure how they started, rowing with your closest friends all because common sense has departed. There was one stage in college where I went through six cameras in two years, a friend of mine lost four purses, one of the other girls had to replace her phone. Three times. At what stage do we all agree its time to take a step back and have a think about our relationships with alcohol?

If a boyfriend or girlfriend was a bad influence, made us argue with our friends and family, told us it was ok to buy that fifth shot of sambuca and proceed to charge for the dance floor like a lunatic, lost some of our most precious possessions and at the end of it all made us vomit our guts up we wouldn’t allow it so why do we let a substance have so much hold over us? I am not saying I’m never going to drink again. I don’t know when I will ever be ready to say adios to it completely. But what I am doing is seriously thinking about the volume I drink and how I drink it. Im 21 years old, its about time I learned my limits s

and respected them. A few jagerbombs are all well and good as long as you don’t wake up regretting what you’ve done the next morning, or even worse, not remembering what you’ve done at all.

So alcohol, my aul pal, I just want to set the record straight. Yes I may want you but no I don’t need you. Kind of like Prince Charming.

HEY! Can a girl get a date around here?

I think it must have been Tinder that signified the end of real dates. All that “dating” consists of these days is swiping left or right on some randomers face, cheesy chat up lines (Netflix and Chill anyone?) and unwarranted dick pics. Oh how I long for the days when my grandmother was growing up, where your gaze would meet that of a handsome man across the room and they would then ask you to dance, not make an unwelcome grab for your arse and ask you where your staying tonight. When did all the guys get together and suddenly decide to swap suits for snapbacks and manners for misogyny? Well I think its about time us girls set the record straight. No, a “cheeky Nando’s” is not an ok plan for a date. Asking a girl out and then picking her up, driving her around in your car and parking up somewhere, is also not a date. It’s creepy, it’s weird and to be honest its how far too many episodes of Criminal Minds start off. If we agree to meet up with you that does not automatically mean we are going to kiss/sleep/anything with you. We owe you nada. Please refrain from asking for nudes. If it was going to happen it would be because we want to, not because your begging like a badly behaved puppy. Nor are we going to have a conversation with someone about how big/small/round our boobs are. They’re kind of stuck to our chests, we don’t need anyone to tell us what they look like.

In this tech driven society where girls are constantly deemed “crazy” for even texting a guy twice, its discouraged us from making the first move and guys no longer seem able to be the one to take the bull by the horns so what’s a girl to do? What we need is to bring it back to basics. If you like someone, tell them. Forget the snapping, whatsapping and Facebook tapping and have a real conversation with someone. Face to face. That way your “👉🏽👌🏽”? text which, when challenged, you claim only meant that we were fit but we all know what you actually meant, cant be misconstrued. Say what you mean and mean what you say. If two people like each other then they should both want to make an effort to impress one another, simple as. Thanks to Geordie Shore we now have lads competing against their friends for the title of “top shagger” and regarding it as a similar accomplishment to winning the Nobel peace prize. Now lads think they will be perceived as “weak” for telling a girl how they really feel, but I cant think of anything more manly than being able to admit you like someone and putting yourself on the line for that person. Am I right girls?

Reading this back, I should really take a piece of my own advice. There is someone I’ve liked for a while now and I’ve been too shy to say anything, but why should I let the ignorant views of some pathetic keyboard warriors stop me from going after what I want? I might aswell break all the rules and send him an absolutely shocking double text!!! Maybe it wont work out. But maybe seeing if it does will be the best adventure ever! In the words of one of my fav people, Lily Allen:

“Forget your balls and grow a pair of tits”

Because yes, its hard out here for a bitch! Its time for all the ladies to stop being afraid to go after what we want just because history has taught us that we shouldn’t. Chivalry may be dead but that doesn’t mean our dating life has to die too. So gals, take that risk. Make that move. And guys, if you have the cojones to approach someone that has caught your eye, keep it old school. Everybody loves a gent.

 

Lily Allen – Hard Out Here